Holding the Tension of the Opposites
- Amy Arnold
- Mar 21
- 5 min read
Is it possible that I am both kind and cruel? Both logical and intuitive? That I can both love and hate my partner?
In the process of awakening to our true nature, which most often happens in midlife, we may begin to realize that our tightly held beliefs about ourselves and the world are not stable; they begin to crumble under close scrutiny and the evidence of experience. This realization feels very uncomfortable, often causing people to feel torn apart. The sense of self we have counted on for our entire lives is now in doubt, yet we don’t know who we really are, either.
This not-knowing is disorienting and can lead to grief, anxiety, and depression. We feel lost and unmoored. And it’s very tempting to grasp onto the familiar in an attempt to feel safe; therefore, we may deny the parts of us that are trying to surface. These parts are aspects of ourselves that we have repressed for our entire lives because we find them objectionable, frightening, or despicable. They have remained unconscious, beneath our awareness. They are what Carl Jung called the Shadow.
Everyone’s Shadow is unique, but it typically contains qualities our culture frowns upon, such as anger, sexuality, greed, and aggression. It also contains qualities our families or other influences taught us are undesirable, such as creative expression, vulnerability, and spontaneity.
When we deny the Shadow’s existence, it will eventually erupt into our lives, sometimes in a dramatic way, as it contains a lot of energy.
This might take the form of blaming our spouse for our unhappiness and having an affair, dreading going to the ideal job we carefully worked toward for years, or trying to numb our unwanted feelings with drugs and alcohol. It can also appear as a vague disturbance as we begin to ask the big questions about who we are and what our life is really about.
In the family of my childhood the expression of strong emotions was viewed very negatively, so I learned to try to "control" my emotions. It worked for a while - until my buried anger, frustration or resentment would finally explode in an unhealthy outburst. You can imagine the damage this caused my relationships and the shame I felt afterwards.
Jung (and many other psychotherapists today) believed that becoming aware of the Shadow and accepting it as an integral part of us is essential for individuation. In other words, we must learn to balance the “dark” aspects of our nature with those “light” aspects we once believed represent us in our entirety. This is what he called holding the tension of the opposites.
Midlife is a time when many of our long-held roles and externally-defined identities change, are challenged, or come to an end – including family relationships, jobs, friendships, and physical health. This creates an opportunity for the unexpressed and unacknowledged parts of us to come to the surface, as if they are demanding our attention. If we can remain open and curious about them we will eventually see they’re not as dangerous as we once thought. If we have developed some degree of emotional maturity we come to understand that we don’t have to act on the emerging desires of the Shadow in impulsive or harmful ways. Rather, we can learn to express them in healthy ways that enhance our well-being and fullness as our true selves.
But if the Shadow is completely unknown to our conscious minds, how are we to recognize and work with it?
One very effective tool is to notice the qualities in other people that we have a strong reaction to (either positive or negative.) This is because we tend to project our unwanted aspects onto others as we continue to deny that we ourselves have them. For example, for many years I judged my mother for being hypocritical, self-centered, and withholding. It took persistent, sometimes painful psychological work to fully accept that those are qualities I despise in myself. And I can only stop judging her when I appreciate them as being aspects of my true self.
Another useful way to identify emerging Shadow aspects of ourselves is to notice strong desires and urges that seem out of character or strange to us. We may suddenly find ourselves needing to artistically express ourselves for the first time since childhood, or wanting to explore aspects of sexuality that we’ve always rejected, or that we easily become emotionally moved although for our entire lives we’ve been proud of our “toughness.” While out of town for a writing conference, I was surprised to be very attracted to a man very unlike my usual “type” and had several wild adventures with him that week. I realized that he represented aspects of myself that I secretly longed to express and surrender to.
In addition, we can become aware of areas in our lives where we claim to be a victim of our misfortunes, blaming them on other people or circumstances. If we look closely and honestly, we may discover that we ourselves created the undesirable situation we’re in, most likely under the invisible influence of aspects of our Shadow. For example, we might become critical of our partner and blame them for our feelings of anger or helplessness when they are actually acting out of concern for the self-destructive behavior they’ve witnessed us falling into.
Carl Jung also used the tools of active imagination and dream analysis to access the unconscious and the Shadow. Some psychoanalysts and therapists routinely include these as part of their work with patients, and we can also learn how to use them ourselves. I find these methods to be fascinating, rewarding, and occasionally disturbing, but they always lead to new insights about how my psyche can become more whole. (I’ve been trained in Active Dreamwork and related techniques, and when I’ve used them to help clients understand themselves better the positive results are sometimes astonishing!)
It's important to know that once we become aware of the Shadow and its influence on our thoughts, feelings and behavior, we may want to stop the internal conflict this creates by “choosing a side” and acting on it. We might decide that our career or relationship no longer fits our true desires so we rush to end it, or we resign ourselves to staying in the situation that no longer fulfills us but meets society’s definition of “success.” But there is a middle path – to be patient and allow “the dark and the light” to be present within us until a compromise or third alternative becomes apparent to us, a healthy and constructive one. Either/or becomes Both/and.
This is holding the tension of the opposites. It requires trust in our inner wisdom and strength, and a willingness to be in the unknown.
Individuation is a process that does not end – it is the work of a lifetime. It takes courage, commitment, restraint, and great compassion for ourselves. And it can lead us to greater well-being, peace of mind, fulfillment and meaning than we’ve ever experienced before.
Photo by Ron Lach of Pexels
If you’d like to learn more about this topic, I recommend these short YouTube videos:
The Individuation Process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZCyUb0RIRc
Embrace the Darkness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXm-K_b2bps
As always, I welcome your comments and questions about my blog posts. You can use the Comment space below or Contact Me via email.
